i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
