can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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