Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Randomize
