so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
