sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
