im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
