Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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