areolas are like halos for boobs.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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