I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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