Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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