did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
