Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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