i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
