I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
