why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Randomize
