We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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