Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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