...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
