Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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