toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
