I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
