bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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