im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
This is the high leading the old right now
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
