I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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