i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
