went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
