Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
