I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
