A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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