She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
