I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
