i already hear my dad disowning me
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
