the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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