I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
