So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
