nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
