Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
