I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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