Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Randomize
