I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
