Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
