Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
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