My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
