I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
