Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
