the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
You can't just leave with hair like that
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
