I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
