College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Randomize
