member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
