A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
