Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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