so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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