We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
