"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
