Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
